Who’s Your Posse?
making peace with questionable friends
2007-09-12
By Sherri McGee McCovey

If you’re raising a teenager, chances are they’ve got some friends you aren’t crazy about. Though you’d like to kick the bad news buddies to the curb, that approach will probably just add fuel to the friendship. If you really want to control things, try a few of these surefire tips:

LET ‘EM HANG – Nixing the friendship may be easy but it might not be effective. A better approach is to give it a chance. As adults we can see through bad behavior, kids, however, need to see it for themselves. Allowing children to live up to the values we’ve taught them is the best lesson of all.

SHOW AND TELL – If you want a winner, show examples of people who are successful, and what can happen if they hang out with the wrong crowd. Public figures – like rappers Lil Kim who served time in jail and Tupac Shakur who paid the ultimate price – are examples they can definitely relate to.

CONFIRM YOUR SUSPICIONS – If your gut tells you something isn’t right, it probably isn’t. Monitor phone calls, text messages, and social outings. Check out your kids’ online Myspace or Facebook page and the pages of their friends. That’s how one mother found out that her 12-year-old daughter was being bullied at school for her lunch money, and that she was involved in a fight. If you find something alarming, call them on it. The world is becoming a smaller -- and more dangerous – place. Know what your children are into and monitor the time they spend with troublesome friends.

ASK QUESTIONS – Test your child’s moral compass. Casually ask questions that’ll show you who they are.  For example, how would they handle it if they discovered a buddy was a thief? Or, if they found out a friend was having sex? If you fail to get the answers you’re looking for, use the time as an opportunity to parent without scolding. One mother questioned her 12-year-old after witnessing her interaction with a group of girls. “If they couldn’t control or manipulate her they didn’t want her around, she says. “I had to show her their game.”

GET TOGETHER – Host an event that’ll allow you to observe your child and her friends in a social setting. Are they loud? Pushy? Controlling?  Sneaky? Later, ask why she chose this group of friends.

MEET AND GREET – Get to know the parents and forge an alliance. It’s a lot harder to run game if you know the parents. Make sure your child – and his friends – understand behavior you won’t tolerate.

As parents, it’s hard to watch our children make mistakes. Yet it’s a part of life. At the end of the day, as much as we’d like to shield them from hurt, all we can do is hope that the lessons we’ve taught will carry them throughout life, and allow them to figure the rest out for themselves. 

Sherri McGee McCovey is an author, television producer, and a frequent contributor to ebonyjet.com.