Ask Neycha: Down and out in Chi-town
down and out in chi-town
2008-05-01
Dear Neycha:
Are we really meant to be in relationships? Tell me something because I don’t believe the hype. I’m a relatively new divorcee and have recently started dating again. I wish someone had told me what it was like out here. Absolutely frightening! A friend sent me one of those forward emails that sums it up best. It reads, “The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough…” What’s a girl to do? I admit that my dating skills are rusty – I was married for 14 years, from the time I was 21 to 35, but I still think I'm a good catch. Most of my girlfriends are married – many unhappily, but nevertheless with someone. I’m out here with mostly co-workers trying to give a go at this thing called dating and it literally sucks! After a lousy date here and three or four weeks invested there with a short term relationship that is ultimately disappointing, I just feel like going back to my husband. At least I know what’s up in that relationship. What to do, what do to? Can it really be worth it?
-Down and out in Chi-town, Chicago
Dear Down and Out:
Sweetie, dating is NOT for the faint of heart. If you’re serious about exploring new opportunities for a potentially harmonious relationship, and not making a punk move like going back to your EX-husband, then you got to man up! Stop whining about what men are. I saw that same email and laughed, agreed, wept, and then deleted it after I decided to not open anymore. (Psyche, I didn’t cry, although I could have had I allowed myself to get caught in the drama.) STOP reading the forwards that you ultimately forward on to other groups of scorned women which only helps to inflate this already OVER-INFLATED DRAMA between single black men and women trying to get some shit right. Urgh, it’s sickening!
If you know you are rusty, then get un-rusty. Concentrate on you! What do you need to do? What areas do you need to change? What lessons do you believe women would benefit learning in order to be with these types of men the email called out? Are we without issues? What about the dime pieces who won’t date broke men? The triple degreed sistas who ain’t checking for low income working brothas? The overweight by 30lb dolls who insist on only courting ‘Denzels’. What?! Both lunatic, overly entitled men and high-strung, overzealous women are in need of a reality check. We get as good as we come. Believe that! If we don’t like what’s jumping off in our dating lives, it’s a sure bet that we need to look in the mirror and correct some area of our life that’s been hiding out behind all our judgments and criticisms. It’s much easier to be all up in somebody else’s soup talking about what they need to change. Change yourself! It’s the only person you will EVER have control over.
Finally D&O, I absolutely believe relationships are worth it. They are the beautiful catalyst from which something so powerful as love is sprung. And anything so powerful requires work – and not the shabby use of the word that most people associate with something funky – but the kind of work the sculpture takes pride in doing to create his masterpiece. Love realized is a masterpiece. If you want a relationship, you will have to endure the idiosyncrasies of dating (which MANY of us dislike) in order to uncover all that you are capable of being with another splendid human being. But, as Kahlil Gibran wrote in his book The Prophet, “if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.” Lovey, there is an emotional cost for any thing that’s great. Pay up or shut up.
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About Neycha
Down and Out in Chi-town
Longing For Life
Searching for Passion
Blindsided
Cubicle ina Minefield
Tired of Paying
Make Lunch Plans, Not War
School Girl Crush
Confused About The Next Move
Blue-collar by Choice
Torn With Guilt
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