Ask Neycha: Confused About the Next Move
2008-02-13
Dear Neycha:
I’m feeling very conflicted about the next move to make in my life. I honestly want to relocate. Based on the life long encouragement of my parents and the reinforcement of the community I live in, I have followed a traditional path all of my life; getting a graduate degree, finding a good job in corporate America, establishing and maintaining a long term relationship, and regularly getting together with good friends. The problem is I no longer find my relationships stimulating. I often feel bored when my partner and I get together with all of our friends and talk about the same ‘ol things (co-workers, other friends, music, movies, our homes, etc.) at the same ‘ol places. This is a ritual every weekend. I hate Mondays because it reminds me of the inevitability of repeating the same week I just finished. As I mentioned, I would love to move although I’m not sure where. Although I would hate to leave my partner behind (who doesn’t want to move), and the rest of my friends, I can’t shake the feeling that starting over in a new city will make things better for me. Is moving a responsible thing to do to bring some stimulation to my life and to make me happy?
Confused About the Next Move
Dear Confused:
I know you’re confused about the next move to make in your life, but you’ve got to stop looking to everybody else – including me - to determine your path. It’s boring, juvenile and highly unimaginative.
You’ve wasted an awful lot of time, CATNM, leading someone else’s life because you’ve been too scared to know and embrace your own desires. I suspect you’ve avoided making authentic choices because you haven’t wanted to deal with the consequences. (What are they? - the disappointment of your parents, the disapproval of your community - YAWN!) Look, there’s no way to get around it – for every choice there is a consequence. Difficult or not, you must weigh the emotional toll of being immobilized in a cookie cutter story versus having ‘tingling in your hot spot skipping down the street joy’ at the well recognized risk of having to navigate some challenging moments. That’s life. Embrace it - get in the game.
Your willingness to stand on the sidelines, disengaged from your relationships and disillusioned with your weekly routine is utterly un-sexy. If you REALLY hate Mondays, quit. Quit the life you’re leading. According to you, it’s not working. Get out of the cul-de-sac your life is trapped in. We succeed when we choose to create remarkable lives. We fail when we get distracted by the shit we don’t have the guts to quit. You want stimulation? Go boldly in a direction that stretches you beyond your comfort zone.
Is relocating to a new city the only way you can move beyond your comfort zone? Why do you care if moving is a responsible choice? What about considering whether it’s meaningful? You’ve been regulated by what other people deem “responsible” for too long. WHO CARES what responsible is to another person if it leaves you feeling miserable? (Where is your inner rebel?) And from what you write, I’m willing to venture a guess that you’re closing in at 10 on the misery radar. It’s time to get a life.
You can move to paradise if you like. When you wake up the next morning you’ll STILL be you, unhappy. We are not transformed miraculously by our external circumstances. We are transformed by how we choose to respond to and use our circumstances. You won’t find happiness by simply changing zip codes, lovers, or jobs. Happiness is a choice. It is a daily intention to see your life in a way that allows for reverence, optimism, openness, gratitude.
Are you really ready to be happy? Do you genuinely want to lead a stimulated life? If you do, you’ve got to take on the tasks of self-inquiry. Get to know yourself for real. Invest time in identifying what experiences happily take your breath away. Then make the necessary choices (the ones you’ve always been afraid of) to support attracting those kinds of experiences to you. Stop being a by-stander in the redundancy of your life. Make a new choice. Confront the inevitable consequences. Don’t look back. Life is too short and regret is an expensive fetish.
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